the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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