I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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