When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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