Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
