Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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