the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
