I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
