you have to choose: penises or morals?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
