Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Is it because I queefed?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
this hospital has no fireball
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
