She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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