I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
