If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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