Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
