I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
