u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
