Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
