Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
