i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
