I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
