no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
