You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
