she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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