i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
