You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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