I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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