I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
