TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
