So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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