ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
