Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
