I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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