I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Someone shattered a urinal.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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