I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
