he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I supernannyed him into submission
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize