So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
