I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
