What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
