I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
