and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
