uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
