he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
