Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
