I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
