Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
