I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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