It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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