I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
