so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
BRING THE BAGELS
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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