Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
