Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
