I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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